#38

This week has been kind of a bad week. Everyday seems to be worst than yesterday and I guessed today is the worst of all. Oh to think, today is just the third day of the week, Sunday is like the first day of the week to me?

First off, I broke my laptop screen because I dropped it when I accidentally fell asleep. And so tada, the laptop fell from my bed onto the ground. Then today I had to plan some revision timetable thing and I got tons of shitty time slots so its more like you are left with no choice but to get shitty time slot and so my revision lessons timetable turns out pretty shitty.

I guess that's not the worst.

I might seem petty saying this but this is something that totally bother me, A LOT. Right, to begin with, I am not emo. Neither am I not seeing the good in life nor am I choosing to believe in the bad of people. I truly believe that there are good aspects to my life, like I have a place to live, food to eat, school to study, sufficient money to spend, and occasionally friends who will listen to me grumble about what I deemed "petty" stuff, oh and when I get a seat on the bus. I am truly grateful to all these in life and I'm not that really negative person but I choose to believe in what I see.

I think this is karma. I think I have neglected my friends a lot when I'm secondary school. I think I am once the person who thinks my friends will always be there and so, I don't put in twice as much effort in maintaining a friendship. But ever since Poly, I experienced and have realized the importance of friends and have also learnt that people won't forever be there for you or be with you for your whole life no matter how many times they say, "I'll always be there for you./We'll always be friends forever."

What I learnt in sociology class yesterday - Humans are egoistic, they are greedy, selfish and self centered. People constantly want better things, meet new people in life. I was once that kind of person. I constantly want to make new friends, want new things but then I realized that old friends are always the best. They are once there, have been there and will always be there for you. When I say old friends, I mean secondary school friends I met. Not all of them but people whom I have brought me with away from that place will forever stay. They might want to meet new people, have new stuff but they still remember the good about their old friends.

Sadly, some people don't.

I think I have changed to be a better friend. I think I have been kind of a good friend to people whom I truly treat as my friend. If they need my help, I'll be there to help if I can. I don't mind taking that detour to accompany them for a few more minutes if they need to talk etc. I think I have given a lot of me to friendships than anything else in this world, not even that much when I'm in a relationship.

But what do I even receive back in the end. Emptiness at the end of the day.

Sometimes I feel that I have given too much of me that I feel people are taking me for granted. I don't necessarily have to take the detour to accompany you, I don't necessarily have to give you a lift home, I don't necessarily have to listen to you, but I do and I did. But so what? Do people even appreciate without being told, or they just forget at the end of the day?

I said, I would rather have no friends than to be surrounded by a bunch of fake people and that when I'm with them, I have to fake a smile. Because I am so so so tired.

Leos are pretty egoistic and they have tons of pride in them. I am not blaming it on horoscope but instead I'm admitting that yes I won't admit I'm upset about certain stuff, I won't admit that I feel left out, I won't admit that I think you have forgotten me as friend or that I feel like I'm much less important to you now than before, I won't admit that I am sad that we don't hang out like together in the past, I won't admit that sometimes I wished you would go that extra mile for me like how I would have done so for you.

There are a ton more stuff that I won't admit and right now I feel slightly a tad better because I have admitted so much stuff that I wouldn't have admitted if I have done it face to face.

I am not implying or am I referring to anybody in particular. I am just telling all my friends how I feel at this particular moment. True feelings.

I am not asking anyone for more attention but I just want my friends to know, how I truly feel, probably every time when we are hanging out and when we are not.

I shouldn't continue anymore before this look like a duper emo post which seriously, it isnt.